While enjoying my lunch at a local eatery a few weeks ago, I noticed a young teen couple snuggling in a booth next to me, oblivious to their surroundings. The body language was evident: eyes fixated in a hypnotic, adoring gaze, hands tightly intertwined, and whispers and giggles of delight only found on the faces of those in love.
Young love is certainly unsurpassed regarding energy and excitement. As I observed the pair, I reflected on my days as an adolescent. At that age, I considered my knowledge based on love sufficient to fill the universe. Nearly a half-century later, I realized that what I knew would have fit in a thimble with room to spare.
Over the ages, the definition of love has been the subject of considerable debate, introspection, and speculation. And in a world where the word “love” is used to describe feelings about everything from an excellent hamburger to the fastest fashion, it is little wonder at the confusion about what real love is.
If one looks at the essence of true love, it is not the emotional high that engulfs us during the early stages of infatuation or even chemistry or physical intimacy. These are undoubtedly essential collateral elements, but they do not constitute the core of enduring love.
The essential material from which the infrastructure of all real love is Trust. Although this may sound overly simplistic, Trust is the foundation that supports the development of other facets of love, such as reciprocal respect and deep friendship. Trust can be defined in a relationship as confidence in a partner’s character, strength, and truth. Without it, love is never long-lived, and all other expressions of love are meaningless.
An atmosphere of Trust offers a safety net for both partners to be themselves without fear, allowing vulnerability without ridicule, judgment, or abandonment. The development of Trust is always a function of time, requiring evidence of trustworthiness over an extended period. And because Trust is an essential and core ingredient of love, only chemistry and attraction can occur at first sight—never true love.
Trust requires equal personal power where no one person controls the relationship. Personal power is present only when both partners can experience self-discovery, make mistakes, and try new strategies without fear of rejection, manipulation, or reprisal. Fear always tips the balance of power. Fear compromises Trust and robs couples of the ability to fully enjoy other essential aspects of a loving relationship, such as physical and emotional intimacy.
Trust and true love cannot exist in an emotional desert or a relationship where abuse, unfaithfulness, or physical intimidation occurs intermittently.
A bible passage succinctly addresses this point: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). Trust and fear cannot coexist because the loving haven of a secure and safe relationship extinguishes fear. For this reason, Trust continuously evolves as the essence and ultimate proof of love. Without it, love withers away, starving for nourishment.
The young couple in the restaurant picked up their belongings and walked out with their arms held tightly around each other, her head still on his shoulder. And as I watched them leave, I fervently hoped that when all was said and done, they would be able to find the essence of true love in their thimbles.
“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within”—James Baldwin
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